FOR YOU

I’m sorry because I can’t live without you

I’m sorry for the tears you shed
I’m sorry for the damage I made
I’m sorry I’ve made you sick

I’m sorry and sorry again
I’m sorry that I’ve failed
But believe me that I love you
Should I say sorry for that too?

heart seventeen

but still, gaduh takkan pernah terlepas dlm sejarah hidup kami. dlm seminggu mesti gaduh atleast dua hari.

ali, i tau u dah maafkan i. tp i still tak dpt rasa keikhlasan maaf u tu. i sedar i salah. i menyesal gila tak senyum kat u awal2. i tak sangka u marah gila2. bila i pergi kat u time balik, u for the first time ckp 'apesal?' dgn nada yg betul2 marah and tgn u hampir2 tolak i. u terus pergi dr i. i harap i kuat time tu. tp tak, i pergi jauh2 sbb i menangis. i think ada budak nmpk u buat mcm tu kat i sbb tmpt tu mmg ramai budak sekolah. agak memalukan. i memang harap gila u datang pujuk i balik. tp u tak.. :'(

i duk sorg2 smpai pukul 3setengah. sbb haris habis kelas pukul 3. balik, i paksa diri i call u.

atfirst, u tak angkat. then i msg u. after that baru u angkat. im sorry i serious tak tau nak ckp apa. i tau sekadar meminta maaf tak cukup utk u. but thts all i have. i am really really sorry dgn apa yg i buat. i hope we have a better day tmrw. great, 'i love you' yg keluar dr mulut i tak terbalas.

okay i nak off. lapar dr siang tak makan..

heart sixteen

that night, kiteorg berbaik semula :)

belive me, its hard. really really complicated.

we hade a long night talk. i mean heart to heart. up to 3 hours ! wow :D

i think this i the hardest one sbb ali tak habis habis dgn prinsipnya, dia memikirkan nak jd kawan sahaja dgn i. he thought this is the best for me. i know u kesian kat i. u fikir, just being a friend with u akn buat i happy sampai mati la? no sayang. this is a wrong fact.

i bahagia kalau u jd teman hidup i. tak kira susah atau senang. i pun tau i byk salah and byk kali buat u sakit hati until u tak larat hadapi semua ni. give me a chance, please ?

if u nak i fikir tentang kepedihan yg melanda kat u, i'll let u go JUST FOR YOU. i takkan fikir psl i lansung. remember that. and as u wish, i takkan pernah fikir u tak sayang i. InsyaAllah. semua ni terpulang kepada layanan u terhadap i. ehh, this is doesnt mean i dah terima okay. i cakap je. i tak tau i boleh buat ke tak nanti. im going crazy maybe?

that night, even i dah ckp apa yang terkandung dalam hati i, suddenly dia tanya dgn selambanya, 'jom breakup sarah?'. i senyap for a few minutes, tak percaya apa yg i ckp tak hanya sekadar perkataan dan ayat. lansung tidak membuatkan ali ubah fikiran. but then i cakap ape pun i tak igt, tapi dia terharu laaa :) i agak bangga sebenarnya sbb dpt buat ali terharu and percaya we'll have this relationship dalam tempah masa yg sangat panjang.

i tak berapa igt sgt the exact words. but something like i ni still sayang ali even though ali dah buat mcm2 kat i. and dia kata i baik gilaa. he asked me why. well OF COURSE la.. i sayang u kot. for your information, i tak pernah oh sayang org smpai mcm ni. i tak pernah putus asa dgn u. like i said, being with u is a wonderful think in my world. its true. i tak reka2 okay.

hah i penat senyum mlm tu. hehe. better night ha?

byk lagi la kteorg ckp, but i dah tak igt sangat. maklumlah, i ni kan cepat lupa. hah terukkan i ni. btw, it happened last saturday night. of course lah i lupa.. lgpun i busy. tak da masa nak online.

but ape yg penting, masalah ni dah selesai :)

heart fifteen

msg u at 17.17p.m.

hmm takpelah, mayb i dah tau jawapan u.. i know kita tak tahan lama. ini semua tanggapan i. nnt awak ckp dkt saya tau. its hard for me to loose u. thanks selama ni jd orang yg baik utk i. i always appreciate u.. and i always sayangkan u.. tp disebabkan i kita tak lama. thanks indahkan dunia i. sungguh berseri dunia i time dgn u. banyak kenangan yg kita alami. susah senang kita bersama. tp ni takdir kita. my whole life takkan sempurna tanpa awak. but i terpaksa terima kenyataan. i minta maaf selama ini bohong awak. tp hati i takpernah tipu u, hati i sentiasa ikhlas utk awak. ergh, lama dah i tak menangis. akhirnya meleleh mata i harini. i regret everything i said to u, but no way to take it all back. u pun tanak ckp dgn i dah. i cuba sedaya upaya tak pindah teknik. even kita jd kawan je, i promise dkt awaki nak jaga u. so k lah sarahaliah, mayb kita jumpa di chapter yg baru. haraplah.. kalau tak, its okay. i terima je apa yg u ckp. byee. (crying animation*)

i tertido. i penat teringat ape yg u ckp kt i time kt ym. and i harap semua ni mimpi je lps i bangun. rupanya this is not a dream. this is reality. pukul 8setengah i bangun tu, akeem ketuk bg phone kt i. bila i baca, sumpah i menangis gila2. lega ali mcm menyesal and i know he want me back. i reply ape entah. but for sure, i'll never not let you go. i sayang u :'(

then dia reply,

msg u at, 20.43 p.m.

sayang i mintak maaf. please jgn buat mcm ni lagi. i baru nk text u. i dah give up sbb awk tak reply msg i. i igt u dah tak sayangkan ali lagi.. :'(

hari ini saya mengumumkan hujan air mata yang paling banyak dalam hidup.

tidur, menangis. bangun tidur, menangis lagi tak henti henti. then terbaca msg u smpai 4 msg. saya terharu, saya menangis lagi.

heart fourteen

i just woke up from sleep. its 8 o'clock. last time i tgk jam pukul 4setengah. gosh gila tido mati i ni. dah la pg pun bangun pukul 11. maybe i hate wht have just happened and hoping it was just a dream. unfortunately, its not a dream. its really really happening.

ptg td gaduh dgn ali. dia marah sbb i ckp 'takde sape' when he asked 'sape tegur u kt ym?'.

dia ni mmg sensitif. then things getting worse. dia ckp, 'kita break'. mmg dah biasa mcm ni tp i pun bengang then i ckp, 'if u tak sanggup berubah demi i, fine kita break. sbb u lansung tak takut kehilangan i'. then dia ckp, 'i pgg kata2 u tu'. damn.

dia asyik ckp, maybe ini yg terbaik utk u. kalau u ade jodoh, insyaAllah u akn jumpa laki lain. then i marah la dia. 'kalau nk ckp psl kebaikan i, dont u ever ckp psl break up lagi !' and i was begging, searching for my old ali. dia kata ' i lah ali. ali dulu tu hanya berlakun baik je. nilah ali yg sbnr. hanya nak satu je dr prmpuan and i byk tipu u'. oh, and dia ada ckp ' i slalu rasa regret'. (????) regret of wht? ' regret suka i? regret mengurat i? regret buat i suka u?' then he answered. 'regret of wht i have said to u'. then i ckp, 'regret of saying i sayang you????'

then ali ckp, 'i tanak ckp pape dah'. thts all.

OMG. i just dont get it. dia nk tinggalkan i sbb dia fikir ini demi kebaikan i or dia betul2 dah tak sayang kat i and dia menyesal jdkan i gf dia ???

GOD, HELP ME. PLEASE :'(

dia nak i jwb sama ada i setuju nk break up dgn dia tmrw or this monday.

i tetap dgn jawapan i yang dulu. muktamad.

i sanggup hadapi apa saja. asalkan u tak lpskan i. please. i love you

heart thirteen

i...

sorry, i tak berdaya nak berkata kata skrg ni

i need someone shoulder to cry on.....